sinking slowly down

From originally deciding to only apply to four schools and just handle where fate left me, I have decided to apply to seven schools, maybe eight, in order to almost guarantee I will be out of Birmingham by mid to late summer. The only thing though, is the amount of things that need to be finished in order to do so. Of the seven schools, four have their deadlines on the 15th of this month and the others are March 1st.

I should probably be writing a statement of purpose or personal essay instead of writing a note about it. The thing is though, that I am having a hard time completing them. For some reason, the hardest part is editing the final draft and working up the nerve to 'click' the submit button.

"Describe a personal hardship or barrier that you have had to overcome and explain how it has affected your education or academic performance."

Do they really want that information? Am I really supposed to make myself that vulnerable? I have an essay I have written that would be safe, but I don't know if i want to be safe. Should I really write about the struggle over the past year to control my history of addiction? Is that really what they want to hear?

For some reason this seems like it is the most important part of my life to date. What if I make the wrong decision and create an alternative destination for myself. This seems like the spring that will dictate the rest of my life, and it scares me to death. Not to mention my support system is gone. My best friend and roommate would rather me not bother trying to transfer as to not leave him behind. The one who pushed me to try harder is no longer standing with me in case I stumble or fail miserably. I wish my counselor would be more inept to help. I know she stays busy having to guide nearly the entire sophomore class in the school of arts and humanities; but it just seems like I need someone who knows what they're doing when it comes to things like this, unlike me. I got into UAB in a matter of 30 secs. A rep. came to my high school to meet with students who had not yet applied, met with them individually, and gave them an answer in a matter of minutes. No essays, no application, no struggle. I have no experience when it comes to things like this.

I know my portfolio was approved to many schools at Nation Portfolio Day in Charlotte, NC. Having to submit slides of them again however, and limit it down to 10 pieces, is completely unnerving. I don't even know how to make slides (hah).

I know even if I don't succeed, I am already placed in a decent art school here at UAB. I know i'll finish out here and work as hard as I can if I happen to be disappointed by the outcome of all this effort. The next step will just be grad school I suppose, which is only 2 years off anyway.

purpose

Statement of purpose? Statement of purpose. I believe this is the most difficult part of the application process. The hardest part is starting to write. Applying to SAIC and SVA, not really spreading myself too thin or getting my hopes too far up there, actually, my hopes aren't really up there at all. I am almost expecting defeat, which my be the cause of my reluctance to complete the applications. I don't know how it effects others, but this awkwardness leaves me with an utter fear that clenches me in the forehead. I don't think i will succeed, so therefore, my mind keeps me from doing anything at all. My first response to this pressure is to go to bed and sleep until it goes away. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward through this part of my life and just wake up 24, entering grad school, in the city of my dreams.

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But on another note, I need to let you know that I am an avid notcot reader. I thought I would share it with you in order to spread the word on this great art/design blog.

architecture

Josh and I got back from chicago yesterday around 3am. I haven't been home long and I am already homesick for Chicago. The city itself is so beautiful, no matter which way you look there are skyscrapers all around. Being from Birmingham, where you can go from one end of the city to the other in 15 mins, Chicago was a complete and utter culture shock. Despite the fact that the weather stuck around -3 degrees a majority of the time we were there, it is my favorite city I have ever visited. (granted, i don't have much to compare it to, still, it was heaven). It was a shock to see people actually know how to drive, which is very uncommon down south. The way drivers handled a five way stop, the way it was supposed to be done, was glorious. While in town we visited Threadless, Bread&Brandy, Borders, and the Sears Tower. However, my favorite of all had be the manifestation of heaven on this earth, the Blick Art Supply. I don't think i stopped drooling over the pastels, paints, canvases, and papers until josh walked me out of the building.

The main reason for this trip was to attend our friend Shawn May's gallery opening. It went incredibly well and he had a great turnout. He seemed very pleased with the outcome of the show and even happier with his new girlfriend 'guacamole". I have to admit, there were pretty adorable, though it seemed Shawn was paying more attention to her more then his guests. aww, young love.


(this is not my photo btw - found on google)




It would be a dream to move up there to chicago next fall and transfer to SAIC and live out my dreams to they're great fulfillment. However, this is not really in my realm of possibility. Josh, my boyfriend, however, has the resources to do the same as I, so most likely he will be there next fall living out our mutual goal. Sometimes I wish he would be happy with the school he's at just so he wouldn't leave; but at the same time, I am so proud of him for being able to do all these things and going for it.