sinking slowly down

From originally deciding to only apply to four schools and just handle where fate left me, I have decided to apply to seven schools, maybe eight, in order to almost guarantee I will be out of Birmingham by mid to late summer. The only thing though, is the amount of things that need to be finished in order to do so. Of the seven schools, four have their deadlines on the 15th of this month and the others are March 1st.

I should probably be writing a statement of purpose or personal essay instead of writing a note about it. The thing is though, that I am having a hard time completing them. For some reason, the hardest part is editing the final draft and working up the nerve to 'click' the submit button.

"Describe a personal hardship or barrier that you have had to overcome and explain how it has affected your education or academic performance."

Do they really want that information? Am I really supposed to make myself that vulnerable? I have an essay I have written that would be safe, but I don't know if i want to be safe. Should I really write about the struggle over the past year to control my history of addiction? Is that really what they want to hear?

For some reason this seems like it is the most important part of my life to date. What if I make the wrong decision and create an alternative destination for myself. This seems like the spring that will dictate the rest of my life, and it scares me to death. Not to mention my support system is gone. My best friend and roommate would rather me not bother trying to transfer as to not leave him behind. The one who pushed me to try harder is no longer standing with me in case I stumble or fail miserably. I wish my counselor would be more inept to help. I know she stays busy having to guide nearly the entire sophomore class in the school of arts and humanities; but it just seems like I need someone who knows what they're doing when it comes to things like this, unlike me. I got into UAB in a matter of 30 secs. A rep. came to my high school to meet with students who had not yet applied, met with them individually, and gave them an answer in a matter of minutes. No essays, no application, no struggle. I have no experience when it comes to things like this.

I know my portfolio was approved to many schools at Nation Portfolio Day in Charlotte, NC. Having to submit slides of them again however, and limit it down to 10 pieces, is completely unnerving. I don't even know how to make slides (hah).

I know even if I don't succeed, I am already placed in a decent art school here at UAB. I know i'll finish out here and work as hard as I can if I happen to be disappointed by the outcome of all this effort. The next step will just be grad school I suppose, which is only 2 years off anyway.